The malluness of mallus

Note: No offence meant to anyone on this. Just a couple of observations sparked off by some recent events.

Ok so I'm a hardcore mallu fan myself...being a product of the species (albeit practically an outcast) its not like I have much of a choice on it...but they're definitely an amazing bunch of people...extremely strong-willed...and really good fun to be around...

This post is not about any of these things...it focuses primarily on qualities that seem to be characterisitic of them...and you can think its endearing (??) or irritating depending on how you look at it...

1) The need to know everything even about random strangers: I for one, have exceptionally bad reactions to this one and immediately feel the need to say something scandalous and innapropriate. For eg - I was at B&B with the Dodo's minus two and due to a fairly large intake of beer felt the need to run to the loo every 2 mins or so. And there's some wedding happening in the vicinity so on one of my trips there's this gaggle of old mallu aunty type women also waiting to use the loo.

Mallu Aunty 1: Sthalam evadya? (Where are you from?)
Me (blank stare): ----
Mallu Aunty 1 (to mallu aunty 2): Idha oru english type aana (She's one of those only speaking english types)
Me (attempting to redeem myself): Ilya inikya malayalam arayaam (No no I know malayalam)
Mallu Aunty 2: Oh ningalum kalyaanathana vanadaano? (Did you also come for the wedding?)
Me (hello?? I'm wearing jeans and a T-shirt! Do I look like I've come for a wedding??): Ilya kudikyaam vanadaana (I've come to drink my ass off!)

And run out of the restroom leaving shocked expressions all round!

2) The need to talk in malayalam to everyone around even when they're not in Kerala: As is clearly illustrated in the above. Though I cant really complain about it as I'm a guilty party as well. Especially when I need something urgent done at work, I rattle away...and in the most terrible malayalam...and it works too!!...if I'd said the same thing in english there's no way I'd be home by 7 almost everyday :)

There was this one time when I was flying to Colombo from Trivandrum and I didnt have some stamp on my passport that I apparently needed...but I stammered away in my broken malayalam...which was far worse in those days...and jumped on the flight anyway...though I dont know if thats because of the language bonding or my (ahem) exceptional powers of persuasion! Or it could just be that I whine a lot and it probably seemed like the easier option at the time.

3) The need to get sozzled and make complete asses of oneself: Especially prevalent in the males of the species between the age of 18-30. And a couple of females as well (sheepish smile). Particularly noticed this tendency when I was in college amongst my Bombay boys...it was almost always the mallus causing the havoc and creating the scenes and these pavam chinky/rajput/any other region above Karnataka guys who got caught up in the entire thing and walloped in the end!

4) The need to argue about everything: Potato...potaato...who cares!?!? Its a freakin' vegetable...you really dont need a 2 hour discussion on how to pronounce a stupid word...proper noun! If wasting time by having pointless arguements could be a career option, we mallus would rule!

5) The need to hitch up everyone above the age of 20: Ok I really do not get this one...so what if your 26? Your happy...you have a successful job...really nice friends...beautiful house...does it really matter that you dont have and maybe dont want the husband, the kids, the home with the white picket fences?

6) The need to be fair: With relation to skin colour. Why on earth does the colour of your skin have anything to do with how you look? If your fair does that automatically make you beautiful? And why does it seem to apply only to women? I've heard matchmakers actually reject women because they happened to be on the darker side.

7) The need to criticise everything coupled with an inability to pay compliments: According to the mallu dictionary, there is no such word as perfect. For eg - your going out for dinner...and your in that madly-in-love-cant-take-my-eyes-of-you stage...so you take the time to get all dressed up and smell nice and wash your hair and all that other "I'm in love" crap. And then K would say something like "Have you put on weight?" Like what the hell is that??

Oh and Rat, "What are those earrings?" would definitely qualify under this category!

8) The ability to take a joke: Definitely our best quality probably the only reason that I may not get pounded into the ground and beaten to a pulp for writing this post!